Sunday, February 7, 2010

A few crazy days since last we spoke...

I don't know who I'm writing this to. I suppose to myself, but if it will help make sense of the past year, then there is no harm.
I stopped writing around June. Just quit, cold turkey. It was painful, but during that time everything seemed painful. On the 23rd of June I found out I was pregnant. Now, I'm no teenage mom, it wasn't the result of a rape, and it should have came as no big surprise. Have unprotected sex= conceive child. That's the rules of the game. I just didn't expect it for some reason. So, the situation was as follows- Single, 26 year old college Junior, planning to move away from her home town in 3 (count them, 1.2.3.) days from the day she tests positive for baby on board, financially insecure, and an emotional wreck. That was my life.
I had no idea what to do. After the shock of finding out that there was a little human growing inside of me finally dulled to a stinging reality, I decided to take up my parents offer to move in with them continue working toward my degree. At least, that was the tentative plan. Last fall I enrolled in the English program and completed the semester with decent grades and a sense of accomplishment.
Now, here I am 5 weeks into the second semester and 39 weeks into a pregnancy that has been heartbreakingly lonely. My parents separated on the 30th anniversary of the marriage on January 5th. I found out that I have an older brother who lives in Florida that I had never known about. My mother and I are living together in this big, old house that seems to be falling in around us alone. I try to fight back tears on the days when she needs a friend and can't stop crying because of the demise of her 30 year marriage to the love of her life and father of her children. She tries to fight back tears on the days when I need a friend and can't stop crying because I am so frightened to raise a baby who I love more than anything in this world, yet have never met, without a father.
The dynamics here are REALLY out of whack. But, I suppose she and I are doing okay despite the world as we knew it has completely imploded upon itself. If I didn't have her I would surely crumble.

Anyway, hopefully I will post again in the next few days with some pictures of my new best friend who will be named Jude, regardless of sex. I'm having a home birth and would love to write about this experience.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

This is the beginning

simple revelations revisited... now to start living it....

I learned to ride a bike many years ago. As a small child, I remember the feeling of racing down Wisteria Lane after the man across the street used a clothespin to clip cardboard in the path of the spokes. It sounded just like a motor (with a little help from my good friend, imagination). The first time I grew past my fear of riding with no hands was so exhilarating.
I spun. And I clinked-and-clanked. Down the battered pavement with two fingers of my left hand touching the handle bars... then, as if compelled by the will of god... I dropped my hand.
I had prevailed! All of my fear and inhibitions were sailing away across the tops of the old weeping willow. Just then, with an ear-splitting scream and the twitch of a leg; I lay on the pavement bloody and beaten. At just the moment that I had conquered the unachievable... I crashed.

It seems that life is just this way.

Many years had passed since I had last attempted to ride a bicycle. My mom bought one for herself as a Christmas gift. After several months of storing her new bike in the garage, she gave it to me in hopes that someone would use it. Little did she know that it would remain as idle in my possession as it had been with her... That was the summer that so many things changed.

The sleep of winter pealed back to a glorious spring. And, although it may have appeared to others that my path was not clear... or that my thoughts were not gathered... I was still on the same street where I saw my fears dissolve and my ideas crash. I watched my dreams evolve and my realities crumble...
I ebb and I flow
I inhale and I exhale
I am one and I am all
Summers have faded to fall; and winters have erupted into spring.

Now I understand that whether I am on foot, on a bike, in a plane....
There is only one way to go. Where I am going is not important. Where I have been has no bearing. This is my path. It is mine, and yours, and now, and forever.