I don't know who I'm writing this to. I suppose to myself, but if it will help make sense of the past year, then there is no harm.
I stopped writing around June. Just quit, cold turkey. It was painful, but during that time everything seemed painful. On the 23rd of June I found out I was pregnant. Now, I'm no teenage mom, it wasn't the result of a rape, and it should have came as no big surprise. Have unprotected sex= conceive child. That's the rules of the game. I just didn't expect it for some reason. So, the situation was as follows- Single, 26 year old college Junior, planning to move away from her home town in 3 (count them, 1.2.3.) days from the day she tests positive for baby on board, financially insecure, and an emotional wreck. That was my life.
I had no idea what to do. After the shock of finding out that there was a little human growing inside of me finally dulled to a stinging reality, I decided to take up my parents offer to move in with them continue working toward my degree. At least, that was the tentative plan. Last fall I enrolled in the English program and completed the semester with decent grades and a sense of accomplishment.
Now, here I am 5 weeks into the second semester and 39 weeks into a pregnancy that has been heartbreakingly lonely. My parents separated on the 30th anniversary of the marriage on January 5th. I found out that I have an older brother who lives in Florida that I had never known about. My mother and I are living together in this big, old house that seems to be falling in around us alone. I try to fight back tears on the days when she needs a friend and can't stop crying because of the demise of her 30 year marriage to the love of her life and father of her children. She tries to fight back tears on the days when I need a friend and can't stop crying because I am so frightened to raise a baby who I love more than anything in this world, yet have never met, without a father.
The dynamics here are REALLY out of whack. But, I suppose she and I are doing okay despite the world as we knew it has completely imploded upon itself. If I didn't have her I would surely crumble.
Anyway, hopefully I will post again in the next few days with some pictures of my new best friend who will be named Jude, regardless of sex. I'm having a home birth and would love to write about this experience.